Refuse the Fog of Chaos: Confusion May Be a Smokescreen
We all have messy moments. The nature of being a human lends itself to times when we just don’t have our shit together. However, and this is a BIG HOWEVER in my opinion…
Some of us live in a constant swirl of drama, missed deadlines, broken agreements, shifting stories, and emotional outbursts. I call this “Loud Chaos,” and it is easy to spot. You can probably think of a few individuals who exhibit this sort of chaos running rampant through their behaviors.
Others of us may live in a less dramatic cycle of chaos, a quieter chaos. We see it acting out when we tend to let our attention get absorbed in helping another when our own house needs cleaning first. Or we allow an undertone of not feeling well go on and on and on because we’re too busy or willing to just survive. The quieter din of this sort of chaos is deceptively acceptable to many of us.
Where I and many of you would rather live is in what I’d call a Harmony Zone. I honestly work hard to live 80 to 90% of my life here. I don’t always succeed. Yet my aim is to be in this zone where we respond versus react. We keep promises to others as well as to ourselves. We can remain grounded even when challenges arise.
Let’s talk about setting ourselves freer from chaos and free to enjoy more harmony. Who couldn’t use less drama and chaos and more harmony and inner peace?
What It Means to Use Chaos as a Smokescreen
Chaos isn’t always accidental. In many cases, it’s a tactic, whether intentional or unconscious. It can be used to:
- Distract from real issues
- Shift blame
- Avoid accountability
- Retain control where clarity would threaten it
As psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, “confusion is a currency”—especially in toxic relationships. When someone keeps you disoriented, you’re easier to manage. You doubt yourself. You quiet down. You comply.
Stop right now and ask yourself: “Where am I allowing myself to remain lost in a smokescreen?”
Keep your answer in mind as you read on.
Why Do Some People Use Chaos This Way?
1. Control Through Confusion
Some people fear vulnerability so deeply that they weaponize disorder. If everything stays unstable, no one can hold them accountable. Research by Bill Eddy (2014) on high-conflict personalities shows they often use blame-shifting, gaslighting, and volatility to manage emotional insecurity and deflect responsibility.
2. Avoiding Accountability
If every discussion spirals into tangents or emotional drama, resolution never comes. And for chaos-driven individuals, that’s the goal. Clarity brings consequences. Chaos delays them.
3. Chaos Feels Familiar
Research on attachment patterns (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2008) tells us that people raised in unstable environments often recreate that instability later—not out of preference, but programming. Peace feels foreign. Predictability feels threatening. Some of us stir things up to feel “normal.”
4. Cognitive Empathy Without Conscience
Some individuals possess strong emotional radar—they know exactly how to push buttons and manipulate attention. This kind of empathy is cognitive (they understand how you feel) but not emotional (they don’t care). It’s common in narcissistic and antisocial personality types (Decety, 2011).
So How Do You Know Where You Fall on the Chaos Spectrum?
Here are three quick self-checks:
1. Loud Chaos:
We might be living in overt chaos if we regularly hear ourselves or others say things like:
- “I’m always putting out fires.”
- “Why is everything so last minute?”
- “I can’t keep up.”
- Missed deadlines, forgotten commitments, and big emotional swings are part of the daily soundtrack.
2. Quiet Chaos:
This one’s sneakier. Ask:
- Do I prioritize everyone else’s needs over my own, even when I’m depleted?
- Is there a nagging problem I’ve been ignoring—like my health, finances, or burnout?
- Am I functioning, but constantly tired, resentful, or numb?
- If your life looks “fine” on the outside but feels like low-grade static inside, you may be operating in quiet chaos.
3. The Harmony Zone (a.k.a. 80 – 90% Peace):
This doesn’t mean our life is perfect, but:
- We respond more than you react.
- We keep our promises to others and ourselves.
- We feel grounded, even when challenges arise.
- Harmony here isn’t the absence of stress, it’s the presence of conscious choice and clear boundaries.
How Do You Move from Chaos to Clarity?
1. Name the Pattern
Clarity begins with recognition. If you suspect someone is using confusion to deflect, distract, or dominate—call it what it is. Not always out loud, but to yourself. Naming the game is the first step in exiting it.
2. Refuse the Fog
Keep a log. Seriously. Record conversations, agreements, and your emotional responses. Over time, you’ll spot patterns. Research in trauma recovery shows that journaling improves cognitive processing and strengthens self-trust (Pennebaker & Chung, 2011). When confusion is the weapon, truth becomes our shield.
3. Set Boundaries That Don’t Budge
Boundaries aren’t reactions. They’re decisions. Make them clear. Make them firm. And then—stick to them. Consistency is more powerful than confrontation.
4. Create Conditions for Psychological Safety
According to Harvard researcher Amy Edmondson, teams (and relationships) thrive in environments of psychological safety—where people feel safe to speak up, ask questions, and be real. Seek out or build spaces in your life where clarity is the norm and chaos isn’t tolerated as a default.
Final Thought: Clarity Is Not a Fight, It’s a Choice
When we start using some of these tactics and seek more clarity, we start moving away from chaos and toward peace and harmony.
Note that sometimes when we take these steps, the chaos-makers may accuse us of being “difficult” or “dramatic.” Let that be the last gaslight fume you experience before their match goes out, because we are getting clearer on who is actually being more “difficult” or “dramatic?”
Here’s to your freedom.
Here’s to learning to step away from chaos.
Remember that sometimes, we just need to stop participating in chaos and find a truer path for us.
