Here’s Why Building a Personal Support System Is a Revolutionary Act Right Now
I thought I was relatively grown up my first year at university. Living out on my own, leading my life, my budget, my time, by the dictates of the singular soul I was. I relished the freedom. I felt sovereign. And I made a huge error in judgement that year.
As fate would have it, I fell into a living situation with five other students. Two of which I shared values, outlooks, and fun conversations. Three of which I had very little in common and would soon learn that shared support wasn’t in the stars for these three and myself.
Early on, the first two roommates could see that the living situation wasn’t supportive and they left by mid-year. I took on the situation as a challenge and stuck with the status quo despite the fact that values differed drastically and mutual success or support were null and void concepts.
By giving myself difficult dynamics to live with in my home situation, I gave myself a slippery slope to navigate daily. My first year turned out to be a great lesson from failure. Sticking it out and being unsupportive while being unsupported was miserable.
Today’s political climate reminds me a bit of my roommate situation back then. And I wanted to speak up. I want to share something key:
We need support. If we’re human, we NEED it.
We need it in our homes, in our work environments and where we play and recreate.
In today’s polarized political and cultural climate, top social scientists and psychologists agree. They emphasize that having a support system isn’t just helpful, it’s essential. Essential for resilience. For clarity. For mental health.
I don’t know about you, but every day that I can increase in resilience and clarity is a good day. I also work toward cultivating a more stable, sturdy state of mind. The quality of my life and the way I feel about it are directly dependent on the sort of support I afford myself.
That’s why I want to explore three research-backed reasons for assisting you in building a personal support system—and offer practical ways to do it. Let’s get into it.
Belonging is a Biological Need
Belonging isn’t optional. It’s not a luxury. It’s as necessary as food or water. In other words: connection is survival.
“We don’t just want connection—we need it as badly as food or water.”
— Matthew Lieberman, author of Social
When our sense of connection is strong, so is our sense of safety. When our certainty is threatened, a strong support system helps us stay grounded. It regulates our nervous system and enhances our ability to think clearly. And here’s why I can say this with such confidence.
Let’s Rewind to Harlow’s Monkeys:
In the 1950s and ’60s, psychologist Harry Harlow conducted a study with infant rhesus monkeys:
The baby monkeys were separated from their mothers and given two “surrogate mothers”:
One was made of bare wire that dispensed milk.
One was made of soft terrycloth, offering no food.
Despite hunger, the monkeys clung to the soft terrycloth mother. They only went to the wire model briefly to eat. Once they had food, the monkeys quickly returned to the model that offered comfort. What’s even more interesting was that in times of fear or stress, they always sought the soft surrogate.
Where do you and I go to find our own version of that soft landing spot?
Lieberman’s Insight:
In his book Social, Lieberman uses Harlow’s study to challenge Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. He proposes that social connection is a primary need, biologically hardwired in the same brain systems that process pain and reward.
In short: comfort and connection can outweigh food in early development.
In adulthood, the same principle still holds, especially in turbulent times. So how do you and I go about activating connection for ourselves today? Here are two ideas:
- Prioritize face-to-face connection
Make regular in-person or video time with trusted people a non-negotiable. Even a ten minute chat can lower stress and increase oxytocin—the bonding hormone. Who can you meet up with today and get that much needed connection? - Join or create micro-communities
Book clubs, hiking groups, spiritual circles or any recurring shared experience can satisfy your brain’s need for identity and belonging. What group can you join or start? What interest can you nurture as you grow connections and support?
Support Systems Protect Our Mental Health
Turning to one of my favorite researchers, Brené Brown, I’m reminded that shame, fear, and vulnerability thrive in silence and isolation. And as I look around myself right now, those things are everywhere. I’ve lived in that silence and isolation far too long to want to retreat there again. Here’s why I advocate that we build a supportive network: Trusted support systems help us stay honest, grounded, and emotionally well.
Again, I want more honesty, grounding and emotional wellness. Don’t you?
This idea of protecting our mental health by having support is also backed by Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” Study (1978). She showed that infants with a secure base (a present, responsive caregiver) felt safe to explore. The same holds true for adults: when we feel securely connected, we’re more courageous and emotionally stable.
I can imagine Brene saying, “Hey, you guys, we don’t have to do it all alone. It’s not good for us to be a loner. Get a support system now!”
In case you’d like a couple of ideas on how to do just that, consider these:
Practice “circle clarity”
Get clear on who earns the right to hear your vulnerable truth. These are your core people. These are the people you lean on intentionally. Go ahead, make a short list. Then cycle through conversations with them, revealing your vulnerabilities as they share with you.Schedule regular emotional check-ins
Create rituals like “Friday decompression walks” or “Sunday reflection texts” to normalize emotional expression rather than bottling it up. Send out cards with earnest and emotional notes of connection. Stay connected. How can you start this practice today?
Community Builds Perspective.
According to Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist at NYU, people become more extreme in their views when isolated in echo chambers. But engaging with diverse, supportive communities can broaden our thinking and restore our empathy.
I’ve found that when people feel heard, we stop yelling at each other and start growing more compassionate. We become part of something productive, not reactive.
This final idea may be harder than the first two because this is where we need to stretch across the boundary of our comfort zone and grow. This is a perfect time to build community with people who think differently and may even look differently than we do.
So how do we build support across such boundaries? Here are two ideas I’ve had and would love it if you’d post your idea on social media and tag SoulSalt Inc. That way I can read about your ideas.
Diversify your intake
Follow at least one thoughtful voice outside your political or cultural worldview. Read to understand, not to react. Recently, I’ve been following David Brooks, well known for his opinions shared on PBS in the Brooks and Capehart discussions. Who can you start following and listening to?
Create non-political zones of connection
Spend time with people around shared values like art, service, parenting, or laughter. Shared efforts increase our sense of humanity and builds bridges. Bias breaks down connection. I frequently join individuals who vote differently than I do on the fencing strip. Getting to know individuals in a non-political zone has helped me see the human behind opinions that differ from mine. It gives me hope that we are learning how to be better people while leaving political differences on the table. My intention is that someday these differences can be discussed in the future. And perhaps we can do that with more friendship and compassion because of my efforts.
I don’t know if I’ve done a very good job in the blog supporting you to seek out and build a better support system around you. If I have, DM me or reach out and let me know.
I believe in the concept of supporting ourselves during the good, bad and the ugly.
In divided times, a support system is more than comfort. It is a lifeline. It strengthens our ability to think critically, regulate emotions, and engage in meaningful dialogue.
As politics grow more divisive, the best way to stay sane, informed, and impactful is to build yourself a support system. One grounded in trust, diversity of thought, and shared humanity.
And please consider that the strongest people aren’t the ones who tough it out solo. As mentioned earlier, I’ve done that and failed miserably. The strongest among us, in my opinion, are the ones who build scaffolding strong enough to hold their hope, their growth, and their next brave move as well as other people.
Don’t wait for the world to settle down. Build your support system now so we’re all better equipped to rise together.
