Be an Adult

There was a time when I carried a heavy chip on my shoulder. I had been persecuted, defamed, and wrongly accused. It hurt, and I felt justified in sitting in the vinegar of it all. I stewed. I pointed my fingers. I stagnated in my own personal story of injustice.

Then someone I trusted, a person who had been a fierce, honest advocate for me, called it out.

“You’ve got an ugly chip on your shoulder. It’s not becoming of you. You’re better than this.”

At first, I was stunned. Defensive. Even hurt. In my mind, I wasn’t sitting around being a victim, I was countering attacks. I was protecting myself. I was fighting back. And yes, I was complaining and sympathy seeking every step of the way. 

Once the sting of being called out wore off, I let the truth land. My friend wasn’t wrong. I had fallen into the Victim corner of the Drama Triangle. And the emotional hook keeping me there was this: because I believed I was right, I believed I had the right to bitch, moan, and gather sympathy.

And let’s be honest: that’s the easier path.

Bitching is easier than evolving. Moaning is easier than moving forward. Staying stuck is easier than standing up and moving forward with purpose and power.

But easy doesn’t get us anywhere if our overarching value is personal growth.

Today, I don’t sit in victimhood for long. When I hit turmoil, I ask:

• How did I get here?
• What’s mine to own?
• What’s my next aligned move?

I’ve come to learn that being an adult isn’t about pretending nothing hurts. It’s about choosing self-honesty over self-pity. It’s a process of claiming agency, even when it’s inconvenient.

It’s also about seeing where we don’t want to wake up. It’s about admitting where we let others do the thinking, where we passively slide along with someone else’s leadership, beliefs, or vision.

That’s the invitation of adulthood: awareness, responsibility, and aligned action.

What Robert Kegan Taught Me About Adulting

Psychologist Robert Kegan’s Adult Development Theory offers a framework for this journey. According to Kegan, adulthood isn’t about gaining knowledge, it’s about transforming the way we know. It’s not adding to the container of the mind, it’s reshaping the container itself.

Most adults, Kegan says, operate from the Socialized Mind (Stage 3):

• Our beliefs, values, and identity are shaped by external forces—family, institutions, culture.
• We derive our self-worth from how others see us.
• We struggle to know what we want if it contradicts social norms or expectations.

In this stage, we’re more concerned with being liked or compliant than with being true. We may avoid truth-telling in favor of comfort or appearances. We may substitute borrowed values for deeply held ones.

But we can grow beyond this. We can move into what Kegan calls the Self-Authoring Mind (Stage 4), where:

• We define our own beliefs and values.
• We take responsibility for our inner and outer life.
• We live in alignment with who we truly are, not who the world told us to be.

This shift doesn’t come from adding more knowledge. It’s more active than that. It comes from self-honesty, courage, and the willingness to face what’s real.

What It Really Means to Be an Adult

Being an adult isn’t about age. It’s about how we show up. And I wonder how each of us would answer these questions at this very moment?

• Are we more reactive or more responsive?
• Are we waiting to be rescued or rising to lead?
• Are we projecting blame or reclaiming agency?

Self-honesty creates the foundation for growth, healing, and transformation. Without it, nothing changes. With it, everything can.

We’re in a moment right now culturally, politically, spiritually where the world doesn’t need more complaints. It needs more consciousness. More aligned action. More awake, engaged adults who are willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of creating something better.

If you’re feeling the pull to evolve, this is your guidepost. Let go of the chip. Drop the blame.
Pick up the power of knowing then owning your truth.

In my book Soul Salt, Your Personal Field Guide to Confidence, Purpose, and Fulfillment, you can excavate eight vital parts of your adult-best-self. Get a copy today and start on that journey.

Be an adult. Not just by age. By presence. By responsibility. By the salt of your soul.