Learning how to trust yourself is one of the most important things you can do to create the life you want. Everyone has an internal compass, and following it is always the best path to long-term happiness.
Yet, many people are conditioned to second-guess themselves. Why?
This article is all about staying true to yourself, in a world where you’re surrounded by other people’s opinions and demands. It’s about regaining self-confidence when you’ve messed up or experienced a setback.
When you want to learn how to trust yourself, it starts with looking inward. It’s not selfish to pursue your desires and be your own authority — it’s essential for a fulfilling life.
Why don’t I trust myself?
Self-trust means consistently staying true to yourself. At its very core, trusting yourself means you look after your own needs and safety. You treat yourself with love and compassion, rather than strive for perfection. You know, deep down, that you can survive difficulties (and you refuse to give up on yourself).
Here’s what self-trust looks like to me:
- Awareness of your thoughts and feelings
- Expressing yourself openly and honestly
- Sticking to personal standards, ethics, and core values
- Knowing when you need to take care of yourself first
- Confidence that you can get through difficult times
- Pursuing your dreams, without letting others stop you
If you have trouble with self-trust, you are not alone. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to avoid inheriting some negative baggage as we develop. Our job as adults is to examine and question our limited thinking and beliefs.
Let’s run through a few examples of how we can start to mistrust our abilities and desires.
If your parents let you get away with too much, or regularly swooped in to fix your problems, you may have difficulty handling responsibilities as an adult. You may feel helpless in the face of challenges or give up when things become difficult.
If you grew up hearing a victim mentality, you may be conditioned to believe that life’s circumstances are out of your control. “We’re too poor to afford that!” or “Success happens to other people, not us!” You may decide a dream is out of reach before you ever attempt to achieve it.
Another common reason for not trusting yourself is past shaming or punishment. You’ve heard the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard.” If you were routinely punished for expressing your needs as a child, you can continue to carry guilt, shame, or fear as you get older.
On a grander scale, family, community, and society put pressure on who you should be. It can feel uncomfortable, even dangerous, to fully express yourself. You wear a mask and put on a performance.
Here’s what a lack of self-trust looks like:
- Feeling like you are not good enough.
- Coming down hard on yourself when criticized, feeling guilty and ashamed.
- Difficulty making decisions and constantly asking others for guidance.
- Being afraid of making the wrong choice or disappointing others.
- Following the advice of an external authority, even when it’s harmful to you.
- Hiding your authentic self, feeling overly self-conscious.
When you don’t trust yourself, you end up going in a million different directions. Your actions don’t always line up with what matters to you. A discord can develop between who you are and how you act.
That’s when you know you need to take back control of your life and learn how to trust yourself again.
How to trust yourself again: 12 strategies to gain self-confidence
Self-trust means nurturing an empowered attitude, sticking to your principles, and showing up fully for yourself and others. When you follow through with these actions over time, you will learn how to trust in yourself—and invite others to do the same.
1. Start with self-compassion
Is negative self-talk, that conversation going on in your head, undermining your confidence?
Everyone has an internal dialogue. Sometimes your inner voice tells you that your vision or dreams are stupid or unattainable. When you make a mistake, say or do something you regret, the inner voice typically has a lot to say — none of it kind or helpful.
It’s time to transform your inner critic into a compassionate friend.
When you hear yourself in a cycle of self-doubt and criticism, take a moment to respond, like you would with a good friend.
Try practicing mindful self-compassion. Developed by Tara Brach, Ph. D, a psychologist and meditation teacher, the RAIN practice is a great way to transform self-judgment. It leads you to support yourself through difficult emotions, rather than getting stuck in them.
When you notice yourself thinking, “I don’t trust myself, I’m afraid I’ll get it wrong again,” respond with, “Hey, this is hard, what do you need to get through it?”
Developing that kind of self-compassion will set the pattern going forward to shift from saboteur to supporter.
2. Give yourself permission
If you don’t trust yourself to make a big decision or take action on your dreams, start small. Give yourself permission to do something just for you, every day.
For some, just a basic self-care routine can be a big leap. Each time you decide to listen to your own needs, even in a small way, you will strengthen your self-trust.
Take small steps each day. Daily action will get you there:
- Identify your needs. Make a list of what makes you feel good, from taking a long bath to going for a walk in the park. Give yourself time for those things.
- Design a self-care routine that works for you. Start with one small habit like waking up at a certain hour, 20 minutes of exercise, a healthy breakfast, or a regular bedtime.
- Meditate to check in with your inner state. Start with 5 to 15 minutes each day.
- Say no to people who drain you. Walk away from the “naysayers” and the “dream crushers” in your life, as well as those who drain your energy. Just say no to that event and do something that nourishes you instead.
- Practice grounding techniques to heal from your past. Work through past trauma, on your own or with your therapist. Peter Levine’s book, Healing Trauma, has some great exercises to start with.
- Use affirmations and count your blessings in a journal.
- Schedule time with supportive people. Find someone who can check in with your progress and encourage you on your journey of self-trust. Meet with a coach, mastermind group, supportive friend, or mentor regularly.
True confidence comes from feeling genuinely good about yourself. Until you get there, find ways to value yourself, even if you don’t feel that way just yet.
Don’t worry about bad habits just yet. You may find it easier to slowly incorporate healthy habits instead, to shift to self-care.
3. Embrace vulnerability
In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
Brene Brown
In her Ted Talk, Listening to Shame, psychologist and researcher Brene Brown says that people often look at vulnerability as a sign of weakness. But when you hide your vulnerabilities, you’ll never let anyone know the real you.
She suggests reframing vulnerability. Look at it as an act of bravery, rather than an imperfection. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you let your guard down. You give other people the signal that they can let their guard down too.
Being authentic and showing vulnerability builds strong relationships and true connections. As social creatures, we need that sense of connection to feel secure and confident.
When you feel insecure in social situations, remind yourself that it’s okay to be you. Take baby steps and risk getting vulnerable. Over time, you’ll learn how to trust yourself again and those feelings of insecurity will start to disappear.
4. Enforce your personal boundaries
If you don’t trust yourself, you most likely have a hard time saying no and standing firm when people overstep.
Personal boundaries establish acceptable ways for other people to behave towards you, and how you will respond when people push those limits.
This will help establish your personal power and ensure that relationships remain mutually respectful, supportive, and caring.
How to establish personal boundaries:
- Practice self-awareness: Define your needs, likes, and dislikes. What do you feel comfortable with? What scares or upsets you? What situations in your life impact those emotional triggers?
- Recognize that your needs matter.
- Clearly communicate your needs with others.
- Practice an assertive communication style. Try to use “I” statements, rather than place blame on others.
- Setting boundaries take time. They aren’t set in stone. Don’t give up if things don’t go smoothly. Maintain clear and healthy communication and have patience.
- Remember that you take charge of your life and can walk away at any time.
5. Listen to your thoughts
When you want to get to know yourself better, look inward. Spending time alone gives you the space to listen to your thoughts and emotions.
Activities like long walks, meditation, and swimming give you a chance to listen to what’s going on in your head. You may notice feelings of self-doubt that you need to address.
If you have trouble being alone, turn that time into an opportunity to treat yourself. A day of pampering, treating yourself to something nice, a new haircut, a hot bath— consistently treat yourself just for the sake of it.
Do the things that make you feel good.
6. Express your authentic self
When you can’t trust yourself, you say things you think other people will like. Rather than making decisions based on your needs, you allow external factors to control your life. You keep your voice down rather than expressing your opinion.
This self-censoring prevents others from knowing the real you.
It makes sense to hide parts of yourself, out of fear of rejection or criticism. You hide yourself because you feel insecure. You don’t want someone to see you vulnerable. You don’t want to admit when you’ve made a mistake.
But putting on a false exterior makes it hard to trust yourself. (If you knew someone who was two-faced, who said one thing and did another, would you trust them?)
Authenticity is an important part of self-trust and developing long lasting relationships. The more authentic you can be, the more you’ll learn about yourself – and the more others will learn about you too.
Let go of the idea that everyone is supposed to like you. When you stay true to who you are, your tribe will find you.
Ways to cultivate authenticity:
Practice mindfulness. Learn to be fully present in the now. This will help you stick to your principles even in everyday situations and show up for others.
Seek out situations that allow you to be yourself: Look for communities that support your interests and values. Find safe spaces to open up and to celebrate your authentic self.
Examine family beliefs. Does the way you were raised conflict with your true self? How can you overcome those discrepancies?
7. Know what truly matters to you
An inner conflict happens when you don’t understand your most important principles. Outside influences pull you in all sorts of directions. You wind up making decisions based on other people’s opinions, rather than listening to your own.
My research shows that three quarters of one’s success comes from within: that inner wisdom, deep down. The smaller part comes from outside input: feedback and perceptions from others.
In order to trust yourself, you need to get clear on where you stand. Take the time to define your list of core values and beliefs.
When you examine beliefs and values, you can start matching your actions with your beliefs. You have a clear sense of who you are. You know when to say “yes” and when to walk away. Over time, you start to trust yourself more.
8. Picture your version of success
What does success mean to you? Close your eyes and imagine your ideal life. Go into detail.
- What is the appearance of your most empowered self? What does the expression on your face look like?
- How do you feel? Strong? Happy? Healthy? Are you a total badass?
- What physical activities do you see yourself doing? Are you running? Lifting weights? Swimming? Surfing? Piloting a plane? Use your imagination!
- Who surrounds you? Do you picture yourself with a partner, children, or specific loved ones in your circle?
- Think of a number in your bank account.
Visualization is a powerful tool. Jim Carrey and Oprah Winfrey both credit visualization as an important part of their success. When you understand exactly what success means to you, you start to illuminate the path forward.
Get specific so you can guide yourself forward.
9. Accept that you are not perfect
Perfectionism means refusing to accept anything short of perfect when trying to achieve your goals. This kind of mindset gets in the way of trusting yourself and moving forward when you make a mistake.
When a perfectionist makes a mistake, which is inevitable, they tend to give up and feel like a total failure. They are so hard on themselves that they don’t leave any room for error. This is self-destructive and will leave you paralyzed — failure feels too unacceptable to risk.
Overcoming perfectionism begins with shifting your mindset. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. The journey of life is about growth, which only comes from making mistakes and learning from them. You can still love and trust yourself even if you make mistakes. Dust yourself off!
If you find yourself going through cycles of guilt and shame, you may need to focus on forgiving yourself. That can mean speaking to a counselor or coach, who can help work through some of the deeper issues going on. Start to let go of that guilt and shame, with small steps each day.
Allow yourself to make mistakes. Take things a little less seriously. You don’t need to be perfect to relax, be yourself, and take your full shot at life.
10. Practice honest communication
Lack of trust in yourself can develop from a young age. Parents and teachers expect children to speak and behave in a certain way. You learn to hold your tongue. You think before speaking. You don’t feel free to express yourself.
One way to undo some of this conditioning starts with honest communication. It’s time to let yourself speak truthfully.
- Pay attention to the emotions that come up when you interact with others.
- Ask yourself: what are you feeling? Do you feel upset, angry, annoyed, or disappointed about something? Get specific and try to pinpoint exactly how you feel.
- Now look into the “why” of these emotions. Where do these feelings come from? Try to understand why you feel this way.
- Express to the other person involved how you feel honestly.
Noticing your thoughts and feelings acknowledges that they exist in the first place. Then you’ll find it easier to communicate with someone calmly about how you feel, rather than explode with emotion.
A new brain imaging study by psychologists at the University of California reveals that verbalizing our feelings makes sadness, anger, and pain less intense. When you identify emotions, and their triggers, you dampen the reaction.
11. Use the TRUST Model
People who don’t trust themselves can sometimes have a difficult time being honest with themselves. Lying to yourself, bullying yourself, ignoring important information — does any of this sound familiar?
Inspired by Judith E. Glaser’s work on Conversational Intelligence, I often use this Model for Trust to push beyond self-doubt and begin the journey of self-trust. It’s designed for building healthy, productive conversation skills with others, but this model also works for conversing with yourself.
When you don’t trust yourself to make a decision, own your power, or do what’s best, talk yourself through it. Journal your way through this list and identify where you need to be more honest, respectful, and understanding of yourself.
Transparency
- Be willing to be Transparent
- Tell the “why” behind the “what”
- Share versus withhold
- Quelling fear versus causing it
Respect
- See capacity in the other
- Assume the best
- Use honorable language and actions
Understand (Stand under)
- Listen to the reality of another
- Step under their umbrella of reality
- Look with an open heart
Shared success
- Co-create win/win/win scenarios
- Strategize for mutual success
Test Assumptions
- Tell the truth
- Close reality gaps
- Listen to close such gaps
- Avoid making stuff up
12. Trust your intuition
Overthinking can get in the way of trusting yourself. When you make a decision, overthinking can cause you to second guess your choices. This leads to internal conflict and anxiety.
Sometimes you need to get out of your head, and listen to your gut. That means listening to what your body has to say about a situation. Instead of asking what you think, what do you feel?
Healing starts with feeling.
Your body offers an emotional intelligence, guiding you each and every day. When you suppress your true feelings, that can come up in unhealthy ways. You may vent your anger or sadness through self-destructive behavior.
Take the time to listen to what your gut has to tell you, through practices like meditation. You don’t have to process every emotion in one sitting. But over time, you’ll learn to tune into your body more and trust your gut feeling when making decisions.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trusting Yourself
How do you rebuild trust in yourself?
When it comes to trust, you can’t rush things. Be patient and nurture trust in yourself. Over time, you will develop self-confidence. Just give yourself the time. Small steps and daily action will help build confidence and trust in yourself.
- Develop a self-care routine and good daily habits.
- Practice regular communication with yourself.
- Counteract your inner critic with self-compassion.
- Be more vulnerable and authentic with people.
- Speak with a therapist or coach who can help you identify your past conditioning.
What happens when you trust yourself?
Trusting yourself isn’t about being bulletproof. It’s not about eliminating self-doubt. It means reclaiming the power you surrender to your fears. It means standing up from a place of confidence. You start to lean into your fears, and harness that personal power to carry forward.
What does self-trust mean?
Self-trust is consistently sticking to your values, nurturing an empowered attitude, following your principles, and showing up for others in your life. When you trust yourself, the opinions of others don’t carry as much weight. You feel more comfortable in your own skin.
Why do I not trust my own judgment?
You can’t trust yourself when you find yourself repeatedly making decisions that don’t match your core values and what you actually want out of life. Often this happens when you haven’t defined what your values are.
You can’t break patterns until you recognize them in the first place. We can help give you that push to know what you want out of life and trust yourself to achieve it.
Get all the guidance and support you need in our new course: Take Control: Identify, Find, and Live as Your True Self.
