Setting boundaries is an important way to establish your needs and communicate those needs to others. Boundaries ensure you protect your limited time, energy, and emotional resources, so you can stay healthy and pursue what success means to you.
But it’s easier said than done!
People often fail to set clear boundaries, and have a hard time enforcing them. It can be particularly difficult if you struggle with perfectionism or don’t always trust yourself to make decisions.
Lack of boundaries opens the door to miscommunication, resentment, burnout, and potentially harmful situations.
This article is all about the importance of healthy boundaries, and how to prioritize your needs so you can thrive in all areas of your life.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries define the limits of what kind of behaviors or situations you are willing to accept in your life, and those that you are not. When you have a clear understanding of your boundaries, you can better express those needs.
Show me a territory without boundaries and I will show you a place about to be taken over by all the wild things.
Boundaries protect us from unwanted items, people, interactions, and dynamics in our lives drain and weaken us. This unwanted stuff can show up as:
- Simmering anger, aggression, or hostility
- Unhealthy communication, like yelling or verbal abuse
- Passive-aggressive interactions
- Pain from past wounds unable to heal
- Burnout from long work hours or emotional demands
- Frequently feeling unsafe
Your boundaries guide others in how to act towards you, while protecting you from harmful people and situations. They help you avoid burnout and allow you to prioritize your life.
Setting boundaries matters because it helps you stay true to your core values and create a more fulfilling life. It empowers you to develop a strong sense of who you really are, rather than living solely for others.
Everyone has the right to set boundaries, to ask for what they need, and to say “no” to someone who crosses the line.
Distinctions: What a healthy boundary is and is not
Think of boundaries like a fence. You can always invite people in or let your dog into your backyard. But without that fence, your garden is vulnerable to any animal looking for something to eat. Eventually, you won’t have much of a garden left!
Personal boundaries work in a similar way. They let positive things through, but they also keep harmful things out. They are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life.
A boundary operates quite differently from a defense which indiscriminately keeps everything out. Unlike a wall, fences are flexible. They have gates that close and open. You can still allow people and situations into your life. You also have the power to enforce that barrier, to decide who or what visits and when.
The goal of boundaries is to make us stronger, saner, and safer. They are not supposed to be a wall that blocks all things. Personal boundaries allow the events, activities, and people that support us in who we want to be, while keeping out those that do not.
What a healthy Boundary IS
- Reasonable and reality-based
- It considers the needs of all involved
- Focuses on honesty, authenticity and transparency
- Address and appropriately channeling anger and frustration
- Clearly stated (what is appropriate and not appropriate)
- Teaches us and others where our limits are
What a healthy Boundary IS NOT
- Unreasonable and based on delusion or fantasy. (What we wish would be so)
- Takes only one viewpoint into consideration
- Focuses on people-pleasing
- Based on guilt or shame, fear or worry
- Wishy-washy statements that are half-assed
- Leaves people (including ourselves) wondering where the limits might be
Types of boundaries
Boundaries don’t come in one form. They exist in all areas of our lives and serve different purposes.
Physical, time, emotional, communication — you can apply these types of boundaries to feel safe, have your needs met, and create space to achieve your goals.
Physical boundary
A physical boundary protects your body and personal space. When you set a physical boundary, you indicate your privacy needs, physical needs (like resting or eating), or how others should behave in your personal space.
Examples of healthy boundaries in your physical space:
- A fence or wall between your property and a neighbor’s that might serve as a safety measure for pets and small children or simply allow for more privacy.
- Rules that forbid drug use inside your home.
How to set healthy physical boundaries:
Setting physical boundaries means tuning into your body and personal space. It is okay to tell someone when you don’t want to be touched or you need more space. It is also okay to say that you feel tired, hungry, or in pain.
You have the right to feel safe and protect yourself from dangerous people or situations. Trust your gut. If you feel uncomfortable, walk away and distance yourself immediately. Put your safety first before worrying about offending someone.
Time boundary
Time boundaries protect how you spend your time. They might be set in order to meet deadlines, accomplish a task, or give you space to think and work without interruptions.
Examples of healthy boundaries with your time:
- Boundaries around screen time for yourself and your children.
- Saying “no” to a work engagement that interferes with time for family.
- Taking a break when you feel tired.
How to set time boundaries:
Setting healthy time boundaries starts with having realistic expectations of what you can and cannot do. Don’t overcommit, especially to things you don’t want to do. Know when to rest. Your health takes priority — without it you have nothing. When you feel yourself burning out, take the time to rest and re-set.
A part of healthy time boundaries means feeling comfortable asking for help, without feeling guilty. You don’t need to do everything yourself and it’s okay to delegate tasks and trust someone else to take on some of the responsibility.
When you feel overextended, prioritize your schedule. Daily planning can help focus your time on the things that matter most. You’ll have an easier time saying “no” to tasks that you don’t want to do or don’t have time for.
Communication boundary
Communication boundaries determine how you express yourself or interact with others. They might serve us when negotiating high stake discussions or setting ground rules within a relationship.
These are especially useful during divorces, when parenting, or maintaining some degree of order within a shared space.
Examples of healthy boundaries in communication:
- Limiting how much you share about your personal life at work, publicly, or on social media.
- Setting appropriate hours for when a friend or family member can call you or expect you to respond.
How to set healthy communication boundaries:
Practice assertive communication to honestly express your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs while also respecting what others have to say.
A healthy communication style will help set your communication boundaries while also respecting other people. Learning a more assertive way of communicating will help you maintain boundaries in other areas, too. You will be more likely to speak up and voice your needs, while experiencing less conflict and confusion.
It is one thing to set a boundary in your mind and another to enforce it. And sometimes that means an honest conversation. People are not mindreaders, especially when you are setting a boundary that is a change to a long-standing relationship pattern. Sometimes you have to be open about your needs, even if it feels uncomfortable saying how you feel.
Emotional boundary
Emotional boundaries relate to feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries mean taking responsibility for your own emotions while expecting others to take responsibility for theirs.
Without emotional boundaries, you are vulnerable to manipulation, guilt-trips, and overextending yourself to solve other people’s problems. Instead of being your authentic self, you may find your life has become about keeping everyone else happy.
Examples of healthy boundaries around emotions:
- Gradually sharing personal information with someone as a relationship develops.
- Not needing the approval of others when making a decision about your life.
How to set healthy emotional boundaries:
Setting boundaries in a relationship begins with believing that you are okay just the way you are. You can only take responsibility for your emotions, and no one else’s. That means letting go of trying to fix or please others. You don’t need to change for other peoples’ approval.
Emotional boundaries aren’t always obvious. Sometimes it takes some digging to understand where you need to shore up your emotional boundaries. It may help to speak to a therapist to work through some of your emotional needs before setting those boundaries.
People who repeatedly disregard your clearly-stated boundaries may be trying to maintain control over you, your loved ones, or your possessions. If you’re in a situation like that, get help! Remove yourself to a safe environment and seek advice from people you trust or professional resources.
How to set and enforce healthy personal boundaries
Any time you catch yourself doing things: too often, too much, too well — it’s time to pause and consider setting boundaries.
- Do you feel like other people take advantage of you?
- Do you feel like you constantly have to fix other peoples’ problems?
- Do you have a difficult time saying “no”?
- Are you a people pleaser who needs everyone’s approval?
Here’s how to set boundaries with friends, family, colleagues, or any situation.
1. Determine what you want to protect.
Getting clear on your emotional needs first helps when enforcing boundaries. Only then can you protect that boundary and effectively communicate your needs to others.
Take a moment to create a list of important boundaries that you would like to strengthen. Do you recognize a recurring pain point in your life? Maybe it’s the same argument over and over with a family member, an overly demanding work schedule, or a needy friend.
Clearly define your boundary and why it’s important to you.
2. Craft an assertive (not aggressive) boundary statement
The next step is to communicate your boundary clearly to those who will be affected.
Here are some examples of clearly stated boundaries:
With your partner:
- I’m asking that we address one another with respectful words and tones.
- Could we agree to not snack in front of each other after 7’oclock at night?
- I would ask that I have at least 24 hours to make big decisions.
With your family members:
- If you need help with homework, please ask me before dinner.
- I am asking that you please call before coming to my house.
- Please knock when my bedroom door is closed.
At the workplace:
- I will not be available to answer emails or phone calls outside of office hours.
- I need at least a week’s notice before any work travel.
- I will delegate tasks to members of the team.
3. Stick to your agreements and the boundaries you placed
Stay consistent with your boundaries. Once you communicate your personal boundaries, maintain them by consistently expecting them to be honored.
Boundary work takes strength. It will require conviction to exert such strength.
It’s not easy to enforce boundaries, especially with people who are not used to hearing “no” from you. But the more you practice, the more you will experience the rewards of increased independence and energy.
If the people you are with ignore or constantly disregard your boundaries, strongly consider if the relationship is worth your time and effort. If it’s a work situation crossing your boundaries, consider getting unstuck from the wrong job for you.
How to respect other people’s boundaries
Everyone has the right to personal boundaries. When you respect other peoples’ boundaries, you set an example for others to respect yours. But often, people miss the mark and do not respect the boundaries of others.
A disconnect happens when you don’t fully respect the rights of others to their own values, preferences, and needs. You may have a tendency to become defensive, dismissive, or simply overpower others with your own demands.
One way to improve your skills in this area is to learn and practice Conversational Intelligence®.
Conversational Intelligence®
- Listen without interrupting or speaking over people.
- Take time to consider your response, instead of reacting with your first emotion.
- Allow people to make their own decisions, trusting that they know what’s best for them.
When you practice how to set boundaries, you’ll have an easier time enforcing those needs and respecting the needs of others in any situation.
Setting boundaries isn’t always comfortable, whether it be setting limits with ourselves or with others. In fact, when setting up and holding the line on a boundary you might encounter pushback – even from yourself!
This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. In fact, it probably means you are doing it right.
Hang in there. Sometimes your most formidable self is waiting for you right behind that healthy boundary you just set.