If the last couple of years have taught us anything, it’s that life can feel out of control. And the truth is, we’ve never been able to control everything.
The trick is to control what you can control and let go of the rest.
That’s how you build resilience and start making positive changes no matter what kind of chaos is happening around you.
Trying to control everything is a battle you can’t win. It’s a discouraging waste of energy to focus on areas where you really can’t change the outcome, no matter how hard you try.
Knowing the difference between what you can and cannot control is step one.
This article will help you focus on what you can control, and provides a simple framework for fighting the battles you can win.
How do you feel in control?
Even if you don’t recognize controlling behavior in yourself, chances are you’ve experienced it with others. An overbearing parent, a boss that micromanages, a partner with control issues—many people have difficulty letting go of the need to control.
Good Therapy points out that this need to control has roots in fear. It’s a psychological response to experiences like trauma, anxiety, inability to trust, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, perfectionism, or sensitivity to painful emotions.
Life is filled with uncertainties. It’s also filled with painful emotions.
How do you control situations?
If your first response is to exert more force — upon yourself or others — you may need to take a step back and change your mindset.
The right way to feel in control is to focus on what you can change within yourself or your environment, and start taking small steps in the right direction.
When you take control of everything within your influence and let go of the rest, you’ll make your life a whole lot easier.
In this way, you can take full accountability for your life without creating any extra stress.
Things you can control
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The Serenity Prayer
These powerful words provide foundational wisdom for building the life you want and releasing fear.
But it starts with you; A part of leading a happy, healthy life means taking full accountability for your actions and what you can control.
Here are some of the things you can control about your life. When you take small steps to improve in these areas, you’ll be surprised at the transformations that can happen over time.
1. How you interact with loved ones
Relationships, while not always easy, form the foundation of living a happy and healthy life. You can’t control the behavior of your loved ones, but you can control how you show up in a relationship.
That starts with healthy communication.
Words often fall short in expressing abstract emotions and thought patterns. The good news:
Assertive communication style
Adapting an assertive communication style helps get your message across, avoid miscommunication, and better understand how your loved ones feel.
When it comes to relationships, you can only control yourself. Here’s how to communicate in a healthy, assertive way with your loved ones:
- Express how you think or feel with confidence.
- Practice active listening to try and truly understand the message the other person is trying to get across.
- Learn when to say “no” and set up healthy boundaries.
2. How you spend your free time
While you can’t always control how much free time you have, you can control how you spend it.
How you spend your downtime can have a big impact on your life. According to Inc, here are a few ways successful people spend their free time and why:
- Exercise has many benefits for both physical and mental health.
- Reading maintains healthy cognition, builds vocabulary, and teaches you new ideas.
- Taking classes builds your resume so you can qualify for greater opportunities.
- Volunteering puts life in perspective, gives back to your community, and develops a sense of purpose in life.
- Networking creates new personal and professional opportunities and helps stay connected.
- Spending time with friends and family builds a support network and provides connection.
- Hobbies foster creativity and keep your mind sharp.
3. How you care for your mental health
Mental health is just as important as physical health. Actively caring for your emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing plays a big role in your quality of life.
You can support positive mental health through connecting with others, getting enough sleep, staying active, and getting professional support when needed.
Taking care of your mental health is especially important when life feels out of control.
4. How much time you spend watching the news
Here’s food for thought:
A healthy diet goes beyond just feeding your body with nutritious foods. How you feed your mind also matters.
Too much exposure to negative social media or news broadcasts has a negative impact on mental health, says Psychology Today.
You can’t control world events, but you can control how much news you follow, the types of shows you watch, and the books that you read.
Be aware of how information affects you, and take breaks from social media and the news. Balance your information diet with good news, like uplifting stories to keep things in perspective.
5. How you react to something negative
When strong emotions take over, like fear, anger, or jealousy, your decision-making skills are at their worst. It’s easy to lose control and react impulsively.
Learning how to control your thoughts means learning to handle your response. You can do that by shifting from a place of reaction to a place of response.
Reaction: Taking action impulsively based on your emotions without thinking first.
Responding: Taking a moment to process how you think or feel before responding.
Ask for the time and space you need to process things before diving into an argument or making a fear-based decision. After you calm down, you can come back to the problem in a more creative, problem-solving frame of mind.
6. How you take care of your body
Medline Plus estimates that genetics determine about 25 percent of the variation in life span. In other words, even if a health condition runs in your family, you can overcome genetics through a healthy lifestyle.
The key to living a healthy lifestyle is actually pretty simple:
- Eat well
- Stay active
- Get enough sleep
- Don’t smoke
- Limit alcohol
- Stay hydrated
7. Your mindset
Your mindset has a big impact on your chances of success. Changing the limited thinking holding you back from growth is something you can control.
In her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Professor of Psychology at Stanford Carol S. Dweck studied two mindsets:
Fixed Mindset: People with a fixed mindset believe they are born with a fixed level of talent and intelligence. They tend to avoid challenges and situations in which they might fail.
Growth Mindset: People with a growth mindset believe they have unlimited potential: they can accomplish anything through hard work, persistence, and effort.
Clearly, having a growth mindset can set you up for success. Your circumstances are things you can’t control, but you can change your attitude.
Focus on an outlook of growth as much as possible: through hard work and an open mind, you can accomplish your dreams and overcome challenges.
8. How you structure your day
Your day-to-day activities create your life.
Do you make time for the things that matter, or do you waste time and let other people set your priorities?
Take stock of your schedule
Start saying no to commitments that don’t align with your values. This will open up space for more of the activities that help you feel in control and thrive.
When you become more intentional about how you spend your time, through daily planning, you’ll start to build a life you want.
9. Knowing when to ask for help
Humans are social animals, and we do better when we support each other.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and out of control, don’t withdraw or push people away. Instead, recognize that you need help. Then take steps to get it.
Having a support system will help you get through challenges and reach your goals faster.
That can mean asking for the support you need at work for a big project, to avoid burnout. If you need advice navigating a difficult decision, get motivation from a mentor or career coach.
Reaching out to supportive people can help you maintain a positive perspective and make sound decisions as you navigate life.
Things you can’t control
Some things in life are simply out of your control. It can bring peace of mind (and save you a lot of pain and effort) when you recognize those things you can’t control.
That means learning to let go, to surrender, and accept that which you cannot change.
1. Change
“The Only Constant in Life Is Change.”
Heraclitus
Like the passing of the seasons, nothing in life stays the same. Resisting change is resisting life!
Although challenging to let go, clinging to the past only creates more suffering. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache by embracing change, and accepting that discomfort is part of the process.
Learn to enjoy the transitions and new possibilities as they arise.
2. The past
Until someone invents a time machine, you can’t change the past. What has happened, has happened.
Forgiveness
Rather than waste your effort on something you cannot control, focus on acceptance. Forgive yourself and others for mistakes.
At this moment, you have the power to heal from the past, to let go of the stories you tell about the past.
Concentrate on growth so you can create a new story going forward, so your past doesn’t define your future.
3. How others treat you
“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
— Wayne Dyer
Each of us goes through life with our own unique beliefs, experiences, and perspectives. When you really think about it, this is freeing. It means that you really can’t take things too personally—like what other people think about you or how they treat you.
When someone treats you poorly, they are living out their own traumas. Their unresolved traumas create a filter through which they see the world, and they behave accordingly.
Focus on personal growth
You can’t control how others treat you, or change their past, but you can control how you react to them. Rather than taking things personally, you can change your mindset.
Learn to communicate your needs by setting boundaries and limiting exposure to people who continue to treat you badly.
4. Other people’s actions
You can’t control what other people do, but you can control your response and who you choose to spend time with.
Learn to process emotions, before taking action. You should also recognize toxic relationships and unhealthy dynamics at work. You can control the decision to walk away, and when it’s time to quit your job.
5. Accidents
Accidents happen. Although stressful, you can learn strategies to remain calm and handle the unexpected.
Michigan Medicine suggests doing the following in an emergency situation:
- Take a deep breath and count to 10
- Check for danger, such as fire, explosions, etc.
- Assess the situation: What is the most serious problem right now? Focus on what you can do to help.
6. Getting older
Let go of the idea that you have to reach a certain milestone by a certain age to be successful. You can become a badass at any age, learning new skills, developing strengths, and exploring goals that feel meaningful at different stages of your life.
Getting older is a natural part of life. Positive aging means having a healthy outlook when it comes to getting older. It all comes down to perspective. Learn to celebrate aging.
Your physical appearance will change, so learn to love your body through gratitude. Appreciate the abilities you have and all the knowledge and experience you’ve gained. Try these gratitude exercises to help you transform your mindset.
7. Genetics
You can’t change your genes, but you can change your behavior. If you suffer from hereditary conditions, work with your doctor and make the best lifestyle choices possible to improve your quality of life.
Accept the roll of the dice
Learn to love the body you’re in, through acceptance and self-love, even if you have more challenges than most.
Focus on gratitude and the resilience you’ve developed through overcoming obstacles.
8. Life isn’t always fair
Life just isn’t fair sometimes.
One person might be born with a silver spoon while the other has every disadvantage. While we shouldn’t accept injustice, we should accept that we can’t control how level the playing field is.
Don’t let life make you bitter because, in the end, you’ll just hold yourself back. Focus on living up to your potential and inspiring those around you to do the same.
9. World events
You can’t control the news headlines.
When scary and unpredictable things happen in the world, learn to balance staying informed with your own mental sanity.
Focus on your sphere of influence, what you can do within your power to help those in your community. Even small efforts can send waves of change.
Control what you can control: Fighting battles you can win
You can save yourself a lot of stress by recognizing which battles you can win, and which ones you should let go.
This simple framework will help you instantly distinguish the difference between what you can control and what you can’t.
When you feel out of control, follow these steps to start fighting a battle you can win.
Download the poster below and print it off. It’s a great reminder to look at any time you need to find your way back to feeling in control of your life.
Step 1: Do you really have a problem?
Assess the situation. Start by asking yourself, “Do I have a problem?”
When you get clear on the situation at hand, you may find you do, in fact, have a problem.
But it’s equally possible that you don’t.
We often get anxious and worried about things that don’t require a solution. Are you concerned about:
- Someone else’s problem?
- A situation likely to resolve itself with time?
- An issue that doesn’t matter in the big picture of your life?
When you shine a light on the situation, you may realize the problem isn’t as big as you first thought. You may find it’s not a problem at all.
Every doubt and fear is not a sign that you need to take action. Sometimes it’s just a normal reaction to change and uncertainty.
So, do you really have a problem?
If the answer is no, then stop worrying and get on with your life.
If the answer is yes, then keep reading.
Step 2: Can you do something about it?
If you have a problem, is there anything you can do to improve the situation?
Before you rush into a plan, think about whether you really can change the outcome.
Think about what you can control — your perspective, your actions, your communications.
Could working on any of those areas solve your problem, or make you feel better about it?
Yes? Great, then move on to step three.
No? Then stop worrying.
Here’s the tricky part:
Letting go of a battle you can’t win
If solving this problem would require people, events, and situations beyond your influence to change, let it go. In these cases, worrying won’t solve anything and will only make you suffer more.
Easier said than done right? If you have a tendency to worry, learn strategies to let go of obsessive thinking. Psych Central suggests:
- Focus on the present moment: Tap into what you are feeling and thinking. Observe your senses. Allow yourself to relax and breathe.
- Notice thought patterns that trigger anxiety.
- Recite affirmations or mantras to challenge limited thinking.
- Get instant anxiety relief with the physiological sigh, a double-breath inhale followed by a slow exhalation.
Step 3: Make a plan
So you have a problem, and you know there is something you can do about it.
You don’t have to solve it all at once — start by making a plan.
Psychologists have observed that our brains can only process so much information at once. When confronted with a big challenge, it can feel overwhelming at first.
Making a plan can help deal with the cognitive clutter by breaking down a problem into small steps. It gives you an immediate sense of control, just knowing you have a plan.
- Answer the question: “What is the main problem?”
- Ask: “What are the things I can control?”
- Brainstorm solutions
- Look for the best possible plan of action
- Break down that plan into small steps
Step 4: Follow the plan
Change happens with small consistent steps towards your goal.
Keep moving forward through the steps of your plan to feel in control of your success.
Get the support you need, whether it’s taking a workshop to level up your skills, finding a supportive mentor, or expanding your network.
Stick with the plan, and make adjustments as you go.
Ready to feel in control of your success?
Sometimes we create our own out-of-control messes. Other times, we end up in them through no fault of our own.
Either way, self-blame doesn’t help. Focus your efforts and attention on all that you can actually change rather than become a victim to your circumstances.
Your life might feel out of your control now, but it doesn’t have to. It’s never too late to start fresh and take back control of your life.
And you don’t have to go through it alone. With the right tools and support, you can learn to fight the battles you can win.
It’s time to begin the powerful process of living as your true self. If you want to be the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, then this set of strategies is for you.
Take back your power and take control of your life.